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MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
"FIFTEEN MINUTES"
ACT ONE
TEASER
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
REESE IS CARRYING GROCERIES IN A HAND-HELD BASKET AS MALCOLM
STUDIES A PACK OF SNACK CAKES.
MALCOLM
Okay, how much do we have left?
REESE
A lousy buck thirty-five.
DEWEY WALKS UP TO THEM, EATING FLOUR STRAIGHT OUT OF A BAG.
HIS FACE AND SHIRT ARE SMEARED WITH JAM, CHOCOLATE, ETC.
DEWEY
Whatcha doing?
MALCOLM
Increasing our buying power.
MALCOLM MODIFIES THE BAR CODE WITH A MARKER. LOIS TURNS THE
CORNER PUSHING A CART THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN THROUGH TWO
WORLD WARS.
LOIS
Dewey, there you are!
MALCOLM TRIES TO HIDE THE SNACK CAKES BEHIND HIS BACK. LOIS
SNATCHES THEM AWAY FROM HIM.
LOIS (CONT'D)
Malcolm, are you forging bar codes
again?
MALCOLM
It's just a minor adjustment! You know
those gourmet cashews you love so
much? Now we can afford them.
MALCOLM TAKES A CAN OF CASHEWS OFF THE SHELF AND MODIFIES THE
BAR CODE. LOIS TAKES THE CAN AWAY.
LOIS
Don't you bribe me, mister. You don't
steal something just because it's too
expensive!
MALCOLM AND REESE EXCHANGE GUILTY LOOKS. LOIS STARES AT THE
CAN WITH ENVY. SHE DENTS THE CAN BY SMASHING IT AGAINST THE
EDGE OF A SHELF.
LOIS (CONT'D)
You get it marked down.
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. FAMILY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
HAL, LOIS, MALCOLM AND DEWEY ARE WATCHING A HOME VIDEO
BLOOPERS SHOW WHILE EATING POPCORN. ON THE SCREEN, A KID
TAKES A CAN OF PEAS FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SUPERMARKET DISPLAY.
THE DISPLAY COLLAPSES AND THE KID DOES A "HOME ALONE" TAKE
(SLAPPING BOTH CHEEKS). THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
LOIS
Oh come on, that is SO obviously a set
up! How can people fall for this?
HAL
Maybe the kid just wanted a can of
peas.
LOIS
You mean the kid's parents just want
the prize money. Who piles up cans
that way anymore?
THE SHOW'S HOST COMES ON.
SHOW HOST (FILTER)
(laughing)
That was last week's winner, folks.
How 'bout that? This week's candidate
is a young boy who took the carefree
spirit of summer a tad too far.
LOIS
Great, another cutesy kid with greedy
parents.
ON THE TV SCREEN:
THE HOME VIDEO SHOWS THE WILKERSON'S BACKYARD WITH A WATER
SLIDE LAID OUT ON THE LAWN. MALCOLM AND REESE ARE WEARING
TRUNKS. MALCOLM STANDS AT THE FAR END OF THE YARD AND TURNS
TO THE CAMERA.
MALCOLM (FILTER)
Are you getting this? I'm going for
the record.
LOIS (FILTER, V.O.)
I am. Go, go!
MALCOLM RUNS AT BREAKNECK SPEED AND SLIDES THE LENGTH OF THE
SLIDE. WHEN HE GETS UP, HE'S LOST HIS TRUNKS (THE IMAGE IS
COVERED BY A CARTOONY "CENSORED" RUBBER STAMP). REESE HOLDS
UP HIS TRUNKS.
REESE (FILTER)
Lose something, sweet cheeks?
MALCOLM LOOKS DOWN AND COVERS HIMSELF.
MALCOLM (FILTER)
Mom, turn off the camera!
MALCOLM CHASES REESE AROUND THE YARD.
REESE (FILTER)
Never seen a full moon in daylight
before, sweet cheeks.
LOIS (FILTER V.O.)
(laughing)
Reese, give Malcolm his trunks back!
THE TELEVISION AUDIENCE LAUGHS FREELY.
IN THE LIVING ROOM:
LOIS, HAL, AND MALCOLM WATCH SPEECHLESS, THEIR MOUTHS AGAPE
(EXCEPT DEWEY WHO CONTINUES EATING POPCORN). MAYHEM ENSUES.
MALCOLM
HAA!
LOIS
How did they get that?
HAL
Did we see his butt? I think we saw
his butt. Can they show that?
MALCOLM
You said you deleted that tape! How
can you do this to me?
LOIS
Give me some credit, will you! I
didn't send in the tape!
MALCOLM
Oh yeah? Then who did?
REESE COMES INTO THE ROOM. EVERYONE TURNS TOWARDS HIM.
REESE
What?
REESE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TV SCREEN AND TAKES OFF RUNNING,
WITH MALCOLM RIGHT AFTER HIM.
MALCOLM
I should have known!
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT (CONT.)
REESE RUNS INTO THE BEDROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
MALCOLM BANGS AGAINST THE LOCKED DOOR.
MALCOLM
Come out, you rat! You can't stay
locked up forever!
REESE (V.O.)
(laughing)
What are you mad about? They got your
good side!
MALCOLM REDOUBLES HIS EFFORTS TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. LOIS
INTERVENES.
LOIS
Don't you think you're overreacting?
MALCOLM
Overreacting? Mom, my butt was on
national television! No court in the
land is going to convict me for
killing him!
LOIS
I'll call the show and get the tape
back. I'll tell them I never gave
permission to air it.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CONT.)
HAL AND DEWEY ARE STILL WATCHING TELEVISION. THE "SWEET
CHEEKS" VIDEO IS UP ON THE SCREEN IN FREEZE FRAME. THE
AUDIENCE IS APPLAUDING.
SHOW HOST
You picked it, folks! Our winner for
this week.
HAL
We won... we won! Honey? Kids? Come
here, quick!
LOIS AND MALCOLM COME IN, FOLLOWED BY REESE.
SHOW HOST
Tune in next time for our anniversary
show when this year's finalists
compete for the $10,000 grand prize!
LOIS
Did he say ten THOUSAND dollars?!
MALCOLM LOOKS UP TO HAL AND LOIS.
MALCOLM
Mom, you're going to pull the tape,
right? Mom?
ACT ONE
SCENE B
EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
HAL IS FRANTICALLY LOADING LUGGAGE INTO THE MINIVAN AS A
GROUP OF KIDS ON BIKES WATCH FROM ACROSS THE STREET. LOIS
ADDRESSES THE KIDS AS CRAIG STANDS BACK.
LOIS
We're only going to be gone for a few
days, so I'm expecting you to be on
your best behavior, is that clear?
MALCOLM
Don't worry mom, I can't get in
trouble while I have a knife sticking
out my back!
LOIS
Oh Malcolm, don't be so dramatic. This
is for ten thousand dollars! Anyway,
the network is paying all our
expenses, what have we got to lose?
MALCOLM
(to the camera)
How about my self-respect? So much for
the maternal instinct. At least
animals only EAT their young.
HAL CLOSES THE BACK DOOR TO THE VAN AND CLIMBS INTO THE
DRIVER'S SEAT.
HAL
Honey, we have to leave now.
LOIS
Be good to Craig, kids.
THE VAN TAKS OFF. CRAIG SHOUTS AFTER HER.
CRAIG
Don't worry, I'll treat them like my
own!
THE KIDS GLARE AT CRAIG WITH HOSTILITY.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
I want you to think of me as a pal.
We're gonna have a great time... my
homies!
CRAIG SMILES UNEASILY. HE AFFABLY PUNCHES REESE ON THE
SHOULDER. REESE ROLLS HIS EYES AND GOES INSIDE. ONE KID ON
HIS BIKE CALLS OUT.
KID ON BIKE
Hey sweet cheeks! Did you ever find
your trunks?
CRAIG
Oh yeah? Sticks and stones, my friend.
You think about that!
MALCOLM
Don't bother. I'll be in a dark cave
if you need me.
MALCOLM GOES INSIDE. CRAIG TURNS TO DEWEY.
CRAIG
Looks like it's just you and me,
little buddy. We're going to have a
great time.
DEWEY SMILES ENIGMATICALLY.
INT. MALCOLM'S BEDROOM - DAY (CONT.)
REESE IS READING A COMIC BOOK ON HIS BED. MALCOLM COMES IN,
SLAMS THE DOOR AND THROWS HIMSELF ON HIS BED, FACE BURIED IN
IS PILLOW. REESE DOESN'T LOOK UP FROM HIS BOOK.
REESE
Could you keep it down? I'm trying to
read.
MALCOLM
Oh, I'm sorry! Is the sound of my life
falling apart bothering you?
REESE
You big baby! You're always going on
about building character. Well this is
it. You should thank me.
MALCOLM GETS UP AND SNATCHES THE BOOK AWAY FROM REESE.
MALCOLM
THANK you? Because of you I'll
probably have to change my name and
move to Canada! They don't give
college scholarships to students named
Sweet cheeks!
REESE TAKES BACK HIS BOOK AND RETURNS TO READING.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
What am I wasting my breath for.
You're not smart enough to understand.
REESE
Smart enough to forge mom's signature
on the release form and get $100 just
for sending in the tape!
REESE GETS UP TAKES OUT A CHECK FROM HIS SOCK DRAWER. MALCOLM
LOOKS AT IT.
MALCOLM
This is made out to Lois Wilkerson.
How do you plan on cashing it,
Einstein?
REESE'S SMILE VANISHES AS HE REALIZES HIS SITUATION.
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
Some genius. This should be mine,
anyway.
MALCOLM RUNS OUT WITH THE CHECK. REESE RUNS AFTER HIM.
REESE
Hey, give that back!
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
DEWEY IS WATCHING A MORONIC CHILDREN'S SHOW FEATURING A GUY
IN A PURPLE BUNNY SUIT.
BUNNY (FILTER)
Hey, kids, wanna have a hopping good
time?
MALCOLM RUSHES IN FOLLOWED BY REESE. THEY CHASE EACH OTHER
AROUND THE COUCH.
REESE
That's my money!
MALCOLM
Wrong! My ass on TV, my hundred bucks!
DEWEY CRANES HIS NECK TO WATCH TV OVER THE COMMOTION. CRAIG
COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN TO INTERVENE.
CRAIG
Come on fellas, I'm sure we can...
"powwow" over this.
REESE
Thief!
MALCOLM
Judas!
REESE GRABS MALCOLM, BUT MALCOLM HOLDS THE CHECK AT ARM'S
LENGTH.
CRAIG
Okay guys, I'm not trying to stifle
your creative expression, but I don't
think name-calling...
MALCOLM AND REESE KNOCK INTO CRAIG, WHO KNOCKS INTO THE
TELEVISION SET. THE TV CRASHES TO THE FLOOR IN AN IMPLOSION.
DEWEY BOLTS UPRIGHT.
DEWEY
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE MESS.
CRAIG
Oh boy.
REESE
(to Malcolm)
Look what you've done!
MALCOLM
Good! The stupid TV's the cause of all
my problems anyway. I'm glad it's
busted!
REESE IS SCANDALIZED.
REESE
Shut your mouth!
REESE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND TRIES TO STICK THE PIECES OF THE
TV SET BACK TOGETHER
REESE (CONT'D)
It's okay! It's still good, I can fix
it! (to the others) Don't just stand
there, do something!
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
PORTERS AND GUESTS MILL ABOUT A HOTEL LOBBY DESIGNED IN A
HOLLYWOOD THEME. THE DECOR IS ASSEMBLED FROM VARIOUS MOVIE
SET PIECES AND PROPS AND THE EMPLOYEES ARE DRESSED AS FAMOUS
MOVIE STARS (ALBEIT UNCONVINCINGLY).
HAL AND LOIS WALK UP TO THE CHECK-IN DESK. HAL IS OBVIOUSLY
VERY IMPRESSED BY THE DECOR AND THE CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKES.
HAL
Will you get a load of this place?
Look honey, it's Marilyn Monroe! And
there's Humphrey Bogart!
THE DESK CLERK (MADE UP LIKE ALFRED HITCHCOCK) GREETS LOIS IN
WITH HITCHCOCK IMPRESSION.
DESK CLERK
Good Evening and welcome to the
Hollywoodland Regency.
HE HANDS LOIS AN EXPENSIVE FOUNTAIN PEN AND TURNS A LEATHER
BOUND REGISTRATION BOOK TOWARDS HER. LOIS BEGINS FILLING IN
HER NAME.
LOIS
Hi, we're the Wilkersons. We're guests
of that home video show.
THE DESK CLERK'S SMILE (AND HITCHCOCKIAN ACCENT) FADES. HE
SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT AND SNATCHES THE FOUNTAIN PEN OUT OF
LOIS' HANDS. HE GIVES HER A REGISTRATION CARD AND A BIC PEN.
DESK CLERK
Fill this out and wait for the porter.
Not here, over there!
HE POINTS TO THE END OF THE COUNTER WHERE ANOTHER COUPLE WITH
A KID ARE IS STANDING. LOIS AND HAL MOVE DOWN TO FILL OUT THE
CARD.
THE COUPLE (BRAD AND MARY RESPECTIVELY) APPROACHES TO
INTRODUCE THEMSELVES, FOLLOWED BY THE KID FROM THE "STACKED
CANS" VIDEO (BOBBY). MARY IS ALL TEETH AND LACQUERED NAILS.
MARY
Hi there, fellow finalist! Couldn't
help overhearing. My name's Mary, this
is Brad, and you've already seen
Bobby, a real terror with canned peas.
BOBBY EXTENDS HIS HAND. JUST AS HAL TRIES TO SHAKE IT, BOBBY
QUICKLY JERKS IT AWAY AND PRETENDS TO SMOOTH HIS HAIR.
LOIS
We're the water slide.
MARY AND BRAD STARE BLANKLY.
HAL
You know, the swimming trunks... sweet
cheeks?
RECOGNITION DAWNS ON MARY AND BRAD'S FACES.
MARY
(with a phony smile)
Of course, sweet cheeks! Lucky for you
your son "forgot" to tie his swimsuit.
LOIS
Funny coincidence, you bringing your
camera to the supermarket that day.
MARY
You never know when it might come in
handy.
MICKEY ROONEY (THE ACTUAL ACTOR) DRESSED IN A PORTER'S
UNIFORM SHOVES HAL ASIDE TO TAKE THEIR BAGS.
MICKEY ROONEY
Come on lurch, outta my way, I gotta
job to do.
HAL
Hey, you're supposed to be, ah...
Mickey Rooney! Wow, the resemblance is
striking!
MICKEY ROONEY
Yeah, I'm his evil twin.
MICKEY ROONEY GATHERS UP THE BAGS AND WALKS TOWARDS THE
ELEVATOR. HE DROPS AN OVERNIGHT BAG.
MICKEY ROONEY (CONT'D)
Mind getting that, Bub?
HAL
Oh, sure.
HAL PICKS UP THE BAG AND FOLLOWS MICKEY ROONEY.
LOIS
Well, may the best video win.
MARY
We intend to!
MARY CROSSES HER FINGERS AND GIVES ANOTHER FAKE SMILE. A
BUSTER KEATON LOOK-ALIKE TAKES THEIR BAGS.
MICKEY ROONEY DROPS TWO MORE BAGS, WHICH HAL RUSHES TO PICK
UP. THEY AND LOIS ENTER ONE ELEVATOR, WHILE MARY & CO.
ENTER AN ADJACENT ONE. THE DOORS REMAIN OPEN FOR A SECOND AS
THEY COMMENT, OUT OF EARSHOT OF EACH OTHER.
MARY (CONT'D)
"May the best video win". Does she
think she's fooling anyone with that
act?
LOIS
"We intend to!" Who the hell does she
think she is?
THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE.
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY (CONT.)
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. MICKEY ROONEY COMES OUT, CARRYING A
SMALL MAKE-UP BAG, ALONG WITH LOIS AND HAL, WHO'S STOOPING
UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ALL THE BAGS.
LOIS
You should have grabbed the hand of
that little brat and shaken it 'til he
rattled!
THE ADJACENT ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AND MARY COMES OUT WITH HER
FAMILY AND PORTER. SHE AND LOIS EXCHANGE A SURPRISED LOOK AND
A FORCED SMILE. THEY SILENTLY FOLLOW THE PORTERS DOWN THE
HALLWAY TO DOORS OPPOSITE ONE ANOTHER. THEY ENTER AFTER ONE
LAST TIGHT-LIPPED NOD.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
MICKEY ROONEY DROPS THE MAKE-UP BAG ON THE DRESSER. HAL DROPS
ON THE BED, BAGS AND ALL, EXHAUSTED. HE TURNS TO MICKEY
ROONEY, WHO'S GOT HIS HAND HELD OUT.
HAL
Oh, of course! Forgive me.
HE TAKES A FEW FOLDED DOLLARS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PUTS A
BILL IN MICKEY ROONEY'S HAND. MICKEY TAKES THE REST OF THE
DOLLARS AND STEPS OUT THE DOOR.
MICKEY ROONEY
If you need anything, just call the
front desk and ask for mister Freely,
first initials I.P.
HE SLAMS THE DOOR.
HAL
What a nice guy.
EXT. HALLWAY- DAY
MICKEY ROONEY FIXES HIS TIE IN THE HALLWAY MIRROR.
MICKEY ROONEY
Who's not returning who's calls now?
HE WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY WHISTLING AND COUNTING THE MONEY.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
LOIS PEERS OUTSIDE THROUGH THE SPY HOLE.
LOIS
That woman's brewing something, I can
feel it.
HAL FINDS A CHEAP GIFT BASKET ON THE DRESSER FILLED WITH
CANDY AND NUTS. HE READS THE CARD.
HAL
Compliments of the producers. This
only gets better!
HE OPENS A BAG OF NUTS AND EMPTIES HALF OF IT IN HIS MOUTH.
HE CHEWS A FEW TIMES, GRIMACES, AND SPITS THEM BACK INTO THE
BAG. LOIS PUTS HER EAR AGAINST THE DOOR.
LOIS
Sh! I think I can hear them talking
across the hall.
HAL COMES OVER AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND LOIS.
HAL
Honey, we've got three carefree days
on the network's dime. Can't we enjoy
ourselves for once?
LOIS
Wake up, Hal! Those people probably
make a career of staging fake videos!
A thousand bucks here, five thousand
there...
HAL
"Sweet cheeks" is a shoo-in! Now stop
being paranoid. No one's scheming
against anyone else.
LOIS
Maybe you're right.
HAL KISSES LOIS AND RETURNS TO UNPACKING. LOIS SMILES THEN
FROWNS. SHE OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK.
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY (CONT.)
LOIS AND MARY PEER OUT AT THE SAME TIME AND SURPRISE EACH
OTHER FACE TO FACE. THEY SLAM THEIR DOORS SHUT.
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
MALCOLM WALKS DOWN THE CROWDED HALLWAY. HE APPROACHES A GROUP
OF NERDY-LOOKING STUDENTS (STACKS OF BOOKS, UNEVEN HAIRCUTS,
TAPED-UP GLASSES) AND NODS AT THEM. THEY TURN AWAY AND
PRETEND NOT TO KNOW HIM.
MALCOLM FROWNS AND CONTINUES ON TO HIS LOCKER. HE OPENS THE
DOOR AND REESE TUMBLES OUT. HE DUSTS HIMSELF OFF. HE'S
WEARING PASTEL-COLORED CLOTHES. MALCOLM GAPES AT HIM.
REESE
They ganged up on me, okay?
MALCOLM
I have to hand it to you, you really
outdid yourself this time. Even my
peers are avoiding me.
MALCOLM GETS A FEW THINGS OUT OF HIS LOCKER AND CLOSES THE
DOOR. THEY WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY.
REESE
You want to switch places? See how you
like getting stuffed in your locker
after every class.
MALCOLM
Maybe if you didn't dress like the
Easter bunny...
REESE
It's that stupid Craig! He put bleach
in the laundry and now all my clothes
look like this!
FURTHER DOWN THE HALLWAY, THREE BULLIES ARE STUFFING DABNEY,
A WEAKLING, IN A TRASH CAN. THEY TURN TO MALCOLM.
BULLY #1
Hey, sweet cheeks! If you're so smart,
how come your butt is bigger than your
head?
THE UPSIDE-DOWN DABNEY PIPES UP FROM INSIDE THE TRASH CAN.
DABNEY
(muffled)
That's 'cuz he's a smart-ass!
EVERYONE IN THE HALLWAY BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. THE BULLIES LIFT
DABNEY OUT OF THE TRASH CAN AND GIVE HIM CONGRATULATORY SLAPS
ON THE BACK.
MALCOLM
You see? Even the geeks are scoring
points off me. I'm at the bottom of
the food chain!
REESE
Let the fists of fury take care of it.
REESE STRIDES MENACINGLY UP TO DABNEY.
REESE (CONT'D)
You take it back.
DABNEY
Or else what?
REESE
(faltering)
Bad karma?
MALCOLM PULLS REESE AWAY.
MALCOLM
Way to go, fists of fury!
REESE
I dunno what's wrong with me, I've
been feeling all... mushy. I was
reading Dewey's old Peter Rabbit book
last night and I couldn't stop
weeping.
MALCOLM
Peter Rabbit? What about car chases
and gratuitous violence?
REESE
It's actually pretty good. There's
this bunny rabbit, see, and he learns
important life lessons -
MALCOLM GRAB REESE AND SLAPS HIM.
MALCOLM
Reese, snap out of it! You're not
getting your daily TV fix. You're
losing your aggressivity.
REESE
"TV fix"? You sound like mom.
MALCOLM
Figure it out, Einstein: the lame
comebacks; getting stuffed in a
locker. You got soft.
REESE
(defensively)
So?
MALCOLM
Well your old victims would like to
have a word with the new you.
REESE TURNS TO SEE SPUD (A KID AT LEAST SIX INCHES SHORTER
THAN HE IS) COMING TOWARDS HIM, FOLLOWED BY A SIMILARLY
DIMINUTIVE POSSE.
REESE
Oh crap!
REESE TAKES OFF RUNNING, PURSUED BY THE OTHER KIDS.
ACT ONE
SCENE E
DEWEY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, HOLDING THE REMOTE AND STARING
SILENTLY AT THE SPOT WHERE THE TV USED TO BE. CRAIG COMES IN.
CRAIG
Hey there. Anything good on?
CRAIG CHORTLES. DEWEY LOOKS AT HIM THEN BACK AT THE WALL.
CRAIG SITS NEXT TO HIM.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
You know, this thing is pretty much
useless without the TV.
CRAIG TRIES TO TAKE THE REMOTE BUT DEWEY RESISTS.
DEWEY
Nooo!
CRAIG
Okay, fine, I don't want to be the bad
guy here. Your dad, he usually doles
out the punishments, doesn't he?
CRAIG LEANS IN CLOSER.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
I'm not like that you know, I'm on
your side. You can even call me uncle
Craig if you like.
Who knows one day... (beat) Does your
mom ever talk about me?
DEWEY KEEPS STARING AT HIM. HE CLICKS THE REMOTE AT HIM.
DISSOLVE TO DEWEY'S POV. CRAIG CHANGES INTO A PURPLE BUNNY
SUIT. DEWEY SMILES BRIGHTLY.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
I really feel like I'm getting through
to you when we talk.
CRAIG NIBBLES ON A GIANT CARROT.
ACT ONE
SCENE F
INT. KRELBOYNE CLASSROOM - DAY
THE KRELBOYNE STUDENTS (INCLUDING STEVIE AND DABNEY) SURROUND
STEVIE AT THE COMPUTER. MALCOM ENTERS. THEY BOLT UPRIGHT,
BLOCKING THE COMPUTER FROM VIEW.
MALCOLM
What's up guys?
DABNEY
Nothing, just checking out a new web
site.
THE KRELBOYNES SUPPRESS THEIR LAUGHTER.
MALCOLM
What are you trying to hide?
MALCOLM BREAKS THROUGH. ON THE COMPUTER MONITOR IS A "SWEET
CHEEKS" WEB SITE WITH A CARICATURE OF MALCOLM DROPPING HIS
TRUNKS. THE KRELBOYNES BURST OUT LAUGHING.
STEVIE
It's not... as bad... as it looks...
Most of the site... is still... under
construction.
THE KRELBOYNES' LAUGHTER REDOUBLES. MALCOLM PLOPS DOWN ON A
CHAIR.
MALCOLM
Great, now even the Krelboynes are
making fun of me. I really hit rock
bottom.
STEVIE
How is this... different from... any
other... day?
MALCOLM
Everyone's lost their respect for me!
STEVIE
Malcolm... we're Krelboynes... The
only way... we can ever... get
respect... is by ... buying it.
MALCOLM HAS A REVELATION.
MALCOLM
Stevie, you're a genius!
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - DAY
REESE WALKS PURPOSEDLY, WITH STEVIE IN TOW.
STEVIE
Malcolm... it was only... a figure...
of speech.
MALCOLM
You try being sweet cheeks for the
past two days. I'm not above buying
respect at this point.
STEVIE
But your... college... savings.
Your... mother... is going... to kill
you.
MALCOLM
I'm only borrowing on the prize money.
At least half of it is rightfully
mine.
THEY ENTER THROUGH A DOOR.
INT. SCHOOL OFFICES - DAY (CONT.)
MALCOLM AND STEVIE STEP UP TO A DESK. A WOMAN LOOKS UP.
WOMAN
May I help you?
MALCOLM
How many tickets are left for
Saturday's dance?
MALCOLM POINTS TO A VERY PLAIN POSTER ANNOUNCING THE
"CELEBRATING CIVIC DUTY" DANCE BEARING IMAGES OF KIDS DOING
GOOD DEEDS.
WOMAN
Oh, a few. Would you like one?
THE WOMAN TAKES OUT A HUGE STACK OF TICKETS AND BEGINS TO
TEAR ONE OFF.
MALCOLM
I'll take them all. This party's on
me.
MALCOLM TAKES OUT HIS CHECKBOOK.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE F
INT. STUDIO SET - DAY
THE FINALISTS ENTER THE STUDIO LED BY A GUIDE. THE STAGE IS
SET FOR THE HOME VIDEO SHOW. HAL, LOIS AND MARY'S FAMILY ARE
AMONG THE GROUP.
GUIDE
And finishing our tour, I'm sure you
all recognize this set...
THE GUESTS OOH AND AAH.
GUIDE (CONT'D)
That's right, this is where we tape
our show every week! And in a few
hours, one of you will become our
grand prize winner!
THE GUESTS CLAP. HAL NOTICES A GREEN SCREEN.
HAL
Look honey, a green screen. They use
'em for special effects. Watch this.
HAL STANDS BEFORE THE GREEN SCREEN. ON THE MONITORS, HE
APPEARS TO MINGLE WITH THE SHOW'S LOGO. HE WATCHES HIMSELF AS
HE WAVES HIS ARMS.
MARY
Speaking of which, will the amount be
paid in one installment or deferred
over a year?
LOIS NUDGES PAM, A WOMAN NEXT TO HER.
LOIS
Listen to her. She's convinced that
the money is hers already.
PAM
(laughing)
I certainly hope not! Hi, my name is
Pam. You're the "sweet cheeks" video,
aren't you? I recognize your voice.
THEY SHAKE HANDS.
LOIS
Guilty as charged! Who would have
thought that a thirty-second clip
could be worth so much?
PAM
You don't need to tell me! By the way,
who represents your son?
LOIS IS TAKEN ABACK.
LOIS
Excuse me?
PAM
Say no more, I understand. A good
agent is worth protecting these days.
THE STAGE MANAGER NOTICES HAL MONKEYING AROUND. HE SIGNALS TO
THE GUYS IN THE CONTROL ROOM. ON THE MONITORS, HAL'S BUTT
MORPHS INTO GIANT PROPORTIONS.
PAM (CONT'D)
Our little Kevin's manager is a real
miracle worker. He's been on three
blooper shows, five rescue specials,
and we're negotiating a hidden camera
deal.
LOIS IS INCREDULOUS.
LOIS
I can't believe this! Is anyone here
NOT a phony?
EVERYONE TURNS TOWARDS LOIS.
LOIS (CONT'D)
I don't know what kind of scam this
network is running, but our video is
the real thing!
THE GUESTS SMIRK AND EXCHANGE WORDS IN HUSHED TONES.
GUIDE
Mrs. Wilkerson, please. We're among
friends here.
LOIS
What are you, pod people? I'm going to
win this contest, and I'm going to do
it fair and square! Come on Hal!
HAL IS CURIOUSLY WATCHING THE MONITORS, WHERE HE NOW APPEARS
TO HAVE THE HEAD OF A CARTOON HOG. HE SCRAMBLES AFTER LOIS.
ACT TWO
SCENE G
INT. FAMILY KITCHEN - DAY
DEWEY IS EATING A SANDWICH AS CRAIG WASHES SOME DISHES. REESE
COMES IN, LOOKING GLOOMY, AND RAIDS THE PANTRY, PILING UP
CHIPS, COOKIES, ETC. CRAIG TAKES THEM BACK AND ADOPTS A
FATHERLY TONE.
CRAIG
My grandmother used to say, "Don't try
to eat through your troubles when
they're eating at you". Let's rap.
CRAIG PULLS UP A CHAIR AND TRIES TO SIT FACING THE BACK REST.
AFTER STRUGGLING A BIT, HE SPINS THE CHAIR AROUND AND SITS
NORMALLY.
REESE
You're such... Why don't you just...
REESE STRUGGLES TO FIND THE RIGHT WORD.
REESE (CONT'D)
Fiddlesticks!
CRAIG
Fiddle what?
REESE
Agh! That's it, I've lost it! I'm a
geek!
REESE STORMS OUT. CRAIG STUFFS HIS MOUTH WITH CHIPS, LOOKING
WOUNDED, BEFORE CATCHING HIMSELF. HE TURNS TO DEWEY.
CRAIG
(chortling)
Teenagers...
CRAIG REMEMBERS SOMETHING AND TAKES A FOLDED WALLET OUT OF
HIS POCKET.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
I got you something. See? There's you,
and me, and L... your mom.
THE WALLET UNFOLDS IN THREE SEGMENTS WITH PICTURES OF CRAIG,
DEWEY AND LOIS IN THE MIDDLE.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
Better keep it to yourself for now.
That wallet was given to me by my
father, who got it from his father.
DISSOLVE TO DEWEY'S POV: CRAIG IS STILL DRESSED IN THE PURPLE
BUNNY SUIT WITH HIS GIANT CARROT.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
So now, I'm giving it to you. Which,
when you think about it, kinda makes
you son-like. (chortle)
DEWEY TAKES THE TV REMOTE FROM HIS POCKET AND CLICKS IT AT
CRAIG. THE CAPTION "SAP" APPEARS IN THE CORNER OF THE FRAME.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
¿Te gusta el beisboll? A mi tampoco.
Podriamos hacer algo juntos.
Boliche es bueno.
ACT TWO
SCENE H
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
REESE BUYS GUM. TWO KIDS OF ABOUT TEN ARE PLAYING A "KUNG FU
FIGHTER" VIDEO GAME IN A CORNER. HE WALKS UP BEHIND THEM AND
WATCHES.
ON THE VIDEO DISPLAY, TWO MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTERS DUKE IT OUT
AS THE KIDS RATTLE THE JOYSTICKS.
REESE
No, no, you're doing it all wrong...
kick him with the left joystick... the
left joystick!
THE FIRST KID'S FIGHTER KNOCKS OUT THE SECOND KID'S.
REESE (CONT'D)
Let me show you how it's done.
KID #2
Are you sure you know how?
REESE
Are you kidding? You see the high
score? That's me! Now watch and learn.
THE OTHER KID KNOCKS OUT REESE'S PLAYER BEFORE HE HAS TIME TO
GRAB THE JOYSTICKS.
REESE (CONT'D)
Sneaky. Hope you enjoyed that free
hit, because it's your last one.
THE TWO FIGHTERS FACE OFF AGAIN. REESE'S FIGHTER TAKES A WILD
SWING. THE OTHER RIPOSTES WITH A VOLLEY OF PUNCHES AND KNOCKS
HIM OUT AGAIN.
KID #2
Maybe you're confusing this game with
another one.
REESE
Lesson one, okay? Sometimes the best
way to win is to allow yourself to
lose.
THE FIGHTERS FACE OFF ONCE MORE. REESE'S COMES OUT FLAILING
ARMS AND LEGS WILDLY. THE OTHER FIGHTER FLIPS OVER HIM AND
K.O'S HIM FROM BEHIND. THE MACHINE PLAYS A FANFARE.
KID #1
Whoa, look at that! I beat your high
score!
REESE
Stupid machine must be broken.
THE TWO KIDS GIVE EACH OTHER A HIGH FIVE AS REESE LEAVES.
EXT. STREET - DAY (CONT.)
REESE STARES AT HIS HANDS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. ACROSS THE
STREET, GRADE-SCHOOLERS PLAY IN A SCHOOLYARD. THEIR BALL
FLIES OVER THE FENCE AND ROLLS AT REESE'S FEET.
KID
Kick it over here. Come on, slowpoke!
REESE PICKS UP THE BALL AND GRINS.
REESE
This ball right here? You want me to
kick THIS ball? Okay!
REESE DROP KICKS THE BALL AS HARD AS HE CAN IN THE OPPOSITE
DIRECTION AND GRINS AT THE BAFFLED CHILDREN. THE BALL BOUNCES
OFF A TELEPHONE POLE, HITS HIM IN THE HEAD AND BOUNCES BACK
INTO THE SCHOOLYARD. REESE IS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND. THE KIDS
BURST OUT LAUGHING.
KID
Nice moves, slowpoke!
REESE SHAKES HIS HEAD, TRYING TO REGAIN HIS SENSES. A SWEET
OLD LADY WITH A SMALL DOG BEGINS TO HELP HIM UP.
REESE
Thanks. This never happens to me.
INSTEAD OF HELPING HIM UP, THE OLD LADY GOES THROUGH HIS
POCKETS AND TAKES HIS WALLET AND HIS WRISTWATCH. SHE THROWS
THE WATCH BACK WITH DISDAIN.
OLD LADY
You kids got nothing but crap
nowadays.
REESE
Hey, my wallet!
OLD LADY
Sic him, Cujo!
REESE SCRAMBLES TO GET AWAY FROM THE SMALL YAPPY DOG.
EXT. STREET - DAY (CONT.)
REESE ROUNDS THE CORNER AND STOPS TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
REESE
Okay, take it easy. I can get back on
top. I just gotta start small and work
my way up.
HE SPIES A KID WITH A LOLLIPOP.
REESE (CONT'D)
Smaller...
HE SEES SOMETHING DOWN THE STREET.
REESE (CONT'D)
Oh yeah.
EXT. GIRL SCOUT COOKIE STAND - DAY (CONT.)
TWO BORED GIRL SCOUTS SLOUCH ON THE TABLE. A SHADOW COMES
OVER THEM. THEY LOOK UP TO FIND REESE STARING DOWN AT THEM
WITH A MALEVOLENT GRIN.
REESE
I'll take those cookies off your hands
now.
REESE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES.
INT. MALL - DAY
A DISHEVELLED REESE RUSHES INTO THE MALL AND HIDES BEHIND A
POTTED PLANT. OUTSIDE, ONE OF THE GIRL SCOUTS RUNS PAST THE
GLASS DOORS WHILE THE OTHER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND FOR HIM,
HER LITTLE FISTS CLENCHED.
REESE
I'm hopeless!
REESE DASHES DEEPER INTO THE MALL.
ACT TWO
SCENE I
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY
THE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM HAS BEEN DECORATED FOR THE BIG DANCE. A
GIANT BANNER BEARING THE INSCRIPTION "CELEBRATING CIVIC DUTY"
HAS BEEN CRUDELY PAINTED OVER TO READ "CELEBRATING MALCOLM".
CHILDREN DANCE AND MILL ABOUT. DABNEY IS SCHMOOZING WITH TWO
PRETTY GIRLS.
DABNEY
Sure, I've known Malcolm for years. If
you want, I can put in a good word for
you.
DABNEY PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND THE GIRLS. IN A CORNER, CATHERINE
IS SPEAKING TO OTHER TEACHERS.
CATHERINE
I always try to teach my students a
sense of altruism, not to expect
anything in return for their good
deeds. Malcolm is a real natural.
MALCOLM IS WORKING THE ROOM, HIS SHIRT UNBUTTONED AND HIS
LAPELS RAISED. HE'S SMOOTH AND IN THE GROOVE. PEOPLE CALL OUT
TO HIM AS HE WALKS.
DABNEY
Hey Malcolm, awesome party!
MALCOLM WAVES.
CAROLINE
There's my favorite philanthropist.
MALCOLM DOES THE DOUBLE FINGER PISTOL SALUTE.
BULLY #3
Malcolm, my man!
MALCOLM GIVES THE THUMBS UP. A PRETTY GIRL HOLDS HER HAND TO
HER EAR LIKE A PHONE RECEIVER AND MOUTHS THE WORDS "CALL ME".
MALCOLM JOINS STEVIE WHO'S NIBBLING ON FINGER SANDWICHES.
MALCOLM
Can I get you anything else, Stevie my
pal?
STEVIE
Stand here... so some of that...
popularity... rubs off... on me.
MALCOLM
Didn't I tell you this was a brilliant
idea? I'm a man of the people now.
Sweet cheeks is behind me - no pun
intended.
STEVIE
Maybe not... at school... But what...
about the rest... of the... country?
LIZ BAGGINS (A FEMALE REPORTER) AND A CAMERAMAN ENTER THE
GYMNASIUM. CAROLINE POINTS OUT MALCOLM TO THEM.
MALCOLM
I thought of that too.
LIZ BAGGINS COMES UP TO MALCOLM.
LIZ BAGGINS
Hi, you must be Malcolm. I'm Liz
Baggins from "Peoples".
STEVIE IS STAR STRUCK.
STEVIE
Liz Baggins... I'm your... biggest
fan!
LIZ BAGGINS
Are you really responsible for all
this?
MALCOLM
I can't take all the credit. The dance
wasn't my idea. I just put up a whole
lot of money.
LIZ BAGGINS
So modest. Okay, first I'll ask you a
few questions, then I want to
interview some of your friends.
MALCOLM
Take your pick!
MALCOLM INDICATES THE ENTIRE ASSEMBLY WITH ONE SWEEP OF THE
ARM.
LIZ BAGGINS STANDS NEXT TO MALCOLM. SHE ARRANGES HER HAIR AND
TAKES THE MICROPHONE.
LIZ BAGGINS
Am I in the shot? Great. In three,
two... one...
VIDEO POV OF THE CAMERAMAN. MALCOLM IS GRINNING FROM EAR TO
EAR. STEVIE CRANES HIS NECK TO BE IN THE FRAME.
LIZ BAGGINS (CONT'D)
Hello, Liz Baggins here for another
edition of Peoples, where we meet the
fascinating folks who shape the world
we live in. Today, we're profiling a
very special young man who so
selflessly gave of himself...
ACT TWO
SCENE K
INT. STUDIO SET - DAY
BILLY PULLS A CAN OF PEAS FROM THE STACK, AND IT COLLAPSES,
EXACTLY AS IT DID PREVIOUSLY OF THE HOME VIDEO SHOW.
PULL BACK TO SHOW THE VIDEO PLAYING ON MONITORS. LOIS AND HAL
ARE SITTING WITH THE OTHER FINALISTS IN THE AUDIENCE. AN
AUDIENCE WRANGLER WAVES AND EVERYONE LAUGHS ON CUE. MARY AND
HER FAMILY APPEAR SUITABLY SURPRISED ON THE MONITORS.
LOIS
(to Hal)
Look a that phony! Like she doesn't
know she's on camera.
SHOW HOST
I never get tired of seeing that
video. And least but not last... aw
crap. I'm sorry guys.
THE HOST LOOKS TOWARDS THE CONTROL BOOTH. THE PRODUCER'S
VOICE COMES OVER THE PA SYSTEM.
PRODUCER (V.O.)
That's okay Bob. Cue the audience.
THE AUDIENCE WRANGLER WAVES AND THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS ONCE
MORE. MARY'S SMILE IS EVEN BRIGHTER.
LOIS
(to Hal)
How does she do it?
My face is cramping up from all the
fake laughter!
MARY TURNS TOWARDS LOIS, WHO NODS, SMILING. LOIS RETURNS THE
FAKE SMILE.
SHOW HOST
I swear folks, I never get tired of
seeing that video. And last but not
least, last week's finalist.
MALCOLM'S VIDEO PLAYS ON THE MONITOR TO A DISTRACTED
AUDIENCE. THE SHOW HOST READS HIS INDEX CARD. HAL
SURREPTITIOUSLY AIMS HIS VIDEO CAMERA AT THE STUDIO.
LOIS
Hal, put that away!
HAL
I want to show the kids some of that
Hollywood magic.
AS THE VIDEO ENDS, THE AUDIENCE WRANGLER WAVES. EVERYONE
SNAPS TO ATTENTION AND LAUGHS, INCLUDING THE SHOW HOST. MARY
TURNS TO LOIS AND GIVES HER A "SO-SO" SHAKE OF THE HAND. LOIS
RAISES HER FINGER BUT HAL COVERS IT UP.
HAL (CONT'D)
Honey, let's be civilized.
SHOW HOST
Pure gold, I'm telling you. And now
the moment we all waited for, when we
pick the thousand dollar grand prize
winner! Members of the audience, take
the controls placed in front of you
and cast your votes now.
HAL
Finally! This is the big moment.
HAL TAKES THE CONTROL. AS HE DOES SO, THE CORD DANGLES,
UNATTACHED.
HAL (CONT'D)
Oops, our control's busted.
LOIS PULLS ON THE CORDS OF OTHER CONTROLS.
LOIS
None of them are connected. What's
going on here?
SHOW HOST
Okay, the votes are in. And the winner
is...
THE SHOW HOST TAKES A FURTIVE GLANCE AT ONE OF HIS INDEX
CARDS.
SHOW HOST (CONT'D)
Stacked cans!
THE AUDIENCE WRANGLER WAVES AND EVERYONE APPLAUDS. A
TRIUMPHANT MARY AND HER FAMILY APPEAR ON THE MONITORS. PAM
LEANS TOWARDS LOIS.
PAM
Oh well, that's show business for you.
LOIS BOLTS UPRIGHT.
LOIS
He's reading from his cards! This is
supposed to be a democratic process,
not some audition!
PEOPLE BEGIN TO STARE AND MURMUR. HAL RAISES HIS VIDEO
CAMERA.
ACT TWO
SCENE L
INT. ICE CREAM PARLOUR - DAY
REESE IS ORDERING ICE CREAM.
REESE
Gimme rocky road. (beat) No wait,
better make it vanilla. Nonfat.
REESE PAYS FOR HIS CONE AND WALKS OUT.
INT. MALL - DAY (CONT.)
REESE
"Nonfat". It's official, I've hit rock
bottom.
REESE STOPS JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO LICK HIS ICE CREAM. HE
TILTS HIS HEAD ONE WAY AS THOUGH HEARING A SIGNAL. HE DROPS
HIS ICE CREAM TO THE FLOOR AND WALKS TRANCE-LIKE DOWN THE
HALLWAY.
INT. HOME ELECTRONICS STORE - DAY (CONT.)
REESE ENTERS THE STORE. A NERDY CLERK LOOKS UP.
NERDY CLERK
Can I help you?
REESE IGNORES HIM. HE ARRIVES AT A WALL OF TV SCREENS, ALL OF
THEM PLAYING THE SAME LANDSCAPES. REESE NOTICES ONE TINY SET
AT THE BOTTOM CORNER PLAYING A VIOLENT SHOOT 'EM UP MOVIE. HE
TOUCHES THE SCREEN.
REESE FINDS A REMOTE. HE CLICKS AT THE WALL OF TV'S. IN
SECTIONS, THEY CHANGE TO THE ACTION MOVIE UNTIL THE ENTIRE
WALL OF TV SETS IS ONE BIG DISPLAY OF GRATUITOUS TV VIOLENCE.
TO THE SOUND OF BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY ("CLOCKWORK ORANGE")
REESE'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND HIS PUPILS DILATE
NERDY CLERK (CONT'D)
I said, unless you're going to buy
something, you'll have to leave.
THE CLERK PUTS HIS HAND ON REESE'S SHOULDER. REESE TURNS
AROUND, GRINNING. HE PUNCHES THE NERDY CLERK IN THE ARM.
NERDY CLERK (CONT'D)
Ouch!
REESE
Reese is back, baby!
ACT TWO
SCENE M
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY
ANGLE ON THE CAMERAMAN'S POV OF LIZ BAGGINS INTERVIEWING
SPUD.
SPUD
Oh sure, Malcolm's always been
generous. I remember once, I spilled
my milk, so he gave me his. Well,
actually I took it, but he didn't
complain.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL LIZ BAGGINS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE
CAMERA. MALCOLM AND STEVIE STAND OFF TO THE SIDE.
LIZ BAGGINS
Another life changed by one very
special young man. This is Liz
Baggins, for "Peoples"... and cut.
LIZ SHAKES MALCOLM'S HAND.
LIZ
We'll get a few more transitional
shots, but I can tell this is going to
be our best show. Thanks again,
Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Don't mention it. Help yourself to the
buffet.
LIZ AND THE CAMERAMAN WALK OFF.
STEVIE
I have... to hand it... to you...
you've got... class.
MALCOLM
You gotta make TV work for you instead
of against you.
CAROLINE APPROACHES MALCOLM.
CAROLINE
Malcolm, can you come with me on stage
please?
CAROLINE AND MALCOLM CLIMB ON STAGE. CAROLINE TAPS THE
MICROPHONE. EVERYONE TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TOWARDS THEM.
CAROLINE (CONT'D)
Excuse me? Hi. I don't have to remind
you why we're here today, or who's
responsible for it.
THE CROWD APPLAUDS. IN THE AUDIENCE, REESE TAPS SPUD ON THE
SHOULDER.
REESE
Hey there. Miss me?
SPUD BEGINS TO REPLY, BUT SOMETHING IN REESE'S EYES TURNS HIS
EXPRESSION TO PANIC. HE TAKES OFF RUNNING, REESE AFTER HIM.
MALCOLM
Please, this isn't necessary. The
looks of joy on your faces are thanks
enough.
THE CROWD LAUGHS AFFABLY. THE CAMERAMAN TAPES MALCOLM.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM (BACKSTAGE) - DAY (CONT.)
REESE CHASES SPUD BACKSTAGE AS MALCOLM CONTINUES WITH HIS
SPEECH.
REESE
Who's running now, uh?
SPUD
Come on, can't you take a joke?
REESE
You stuffed mashed potatoes down my
pants!
REESE LUNGES AT SPUD, WHO SLIPS THROUGH ROPES AND CABLES.
SPUD
At least they weren't hot!
REESE
You told everyone that I watched "Joy
Luck Club". There was nothing else on!
REESE LUNGES AGAIN AT SPUD AND GETS TANGLED IN THE ROPES.
SPUD RUNS OFF.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY (CONT.)
CAROLINE CONTINUES TO ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.
CAROLINE
And for your generosity, we'd like you
to have this award.
CAROLINE HANDS MALCOLM A BULKY CRYSTAL TROPHY.
MALCOLM
Thanks everyone. This means a lot to
me.
EVERYONE APPLAUDS. STEVIE GIVES MALCOLM A THUMB UP. MALCOLM
RETURNS THE GESTURE.
A COMMOTION DRAWS HIS ATTENTION. SPUD BURSTS ONTO THE STAGE,
FOLLOWED BY REESE.
REESE
Where do you think you're running with
those short stubby legs?
REESE TACKLES SPUD AND THEY BOTH FALL TO THE FLOOR. SPUD
GRABS ON TO MALCOLM'S WAISTBAND.
SPUD
No! I said I'm sorry!
REESE
Save it for later when you'll REALLY
mean it!
REESE TRIES TO PULL SPUD OFF-STAGE, BUT HE HANGS ON TO
MALCOLM'S WAISTBAND. AS MALCOLM SKIPS TO RETAIN HIS BALANCE,
HIS PANTS BEGIN TO COME OFF. HE TRIES TO PULL THEM BACK UP
WITH ONE HAND, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO DROP HIS TROPHY.
MALCOLM
Let go you idiot!
MALCOLM LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS, BUT MANAGES TO PROTECT
THE TROPHY. HE GETS UP AND TRIUMPHANTLY HOLDS IT ABOVE HIS
HEAD. HE TURNS TO SEE SPUD BEING DRAGGED BACKSTAGE WITH
REESE, STILL CLUTCHING HIS PANTS. HE LOOKS DOWN WITH HORROR.
THE AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER. MALCOLM DROPS THE TROPHY
(WHICH SHATTERS ON THE FLOOR) TO COVER HIMSELF. HE SEES LIZ
BAGGINS LAUGHING, WHILE HER CAMERAMAN TAPES EVERYTHING.
INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY (CONT.)
MALCOLM (WITH HIS PANTS HASTILY PUT BACK ON) CATCHES UP WITH
LIZ BAGGINS AND THE CAMERAMAN.
MALCOLM
Wait, you're not going to use that,
are you?
LIZ BAGGINS
(laughing)
Oh no, we're a family show. We'll
blank out the embarrassing bits.
SHE REDOUBLES HER LAUGHTER AND LEAVES.
ACT TWO
SCENE N
INT. MALCOLM'S HOUSE - DAY
REESE IS READING ON THE COUCH. LOIS ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY HAL
WITH THE LUGGAGE. CRAIG COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN.
CRAIG
(to Lois)
How was the trip?
LOIS CONTINUES TO THE BEDROOM.
HAL
Don't ask.
DEWEY STORMS HAL AND RUMMAGES THROUGH THE LUGGAGE.
DEWEY
Did you bring me back something?
HAL
At least let me put the luggage down.
Where's Malcolm?
REESE
In the bedroom. He says he's never
coming out.
HAL
Well it's nice to find things just the
way we left them.
HAL DOES A DOUBLE TAKE AT THE SPOT WHERE THE TV STOOD, THEN
GOES AFTER LOIS. REESE JOINS IN THE HUNT FOR SOUVENIRS.
CRAIG
Listen, remember those long talks we
had about your mother? I just want to
add that...
DISSOLVE TO DEWEY'S FANTASY POV. CRAIG IS MAKING LOUD
NIBBLING SOUNDS WHILE CHEWING ON HIS CARROT.
DISSOLVE BACK TO REALITY.
CRAIG (CONT'D)
...and no matter what happens, that'll
remain our little secret. Agreed?
DEWEY
Okay, bunny!
CRAIG MUSSES UP HIS HAIR.
CRAIG
Cute kid.
CRAIG LEAVES THE HOUSE. REESE TAKES THE VIDEO CAMERA OUT OF
THE LUGGAGE. HE POWERS IT ON AND PUSHES THE PLAY BUTTON.
ANGLE ON THE LCD SCREEN SHOWING THE COMMOTION AT THE STUDIO.
LOIS IS ADVANCING ON MARY, WHO'S EDGING AWAY IN THE STANDS.
LOIS (FILTER)
Come here, you! I didn't come all this
way to lose a popularity contest to a
child actor!
REESE SMILES BROADLY AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM.
REESE
Malcolm!
ACT TWO
CLOSING TAG
INT. FAMILY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
HAL, MALCOLM, REESE AND DEWEY ARE WATCHING TV ON A BRAND NEW
SET. EMERGENCY RESCUERS ARE AIRLIFTING A FAMILY FROM A CAR
CAUGHT IN A TORRENT.
REESE
How come someone always has a video
camera handy when there's an accident?
It's all fake.
MALCOLM
Who would go through the trouble of
setting up a shot like that?
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE FACE OF THE LITTLE BOY. IT'S
BOBBY. HAL SITS UPRIGHT.
LOIS (O.S.)
What am I missing? Did they get
everyone out?
LOIS COMES IN WITH A FRESH BOWL OF POPCORN. HAL FRANTICALLY
CHANGES THE STATION.
HAL
Ah, er... yep, everyone safe and
sound.
LOIS
Well change it back, I want to see.
HAL
I can't. The cable went out.
LOIS
Just one station?
HAL
I, er... oh look, it's that show,
"Peoples". Let's watch that nistead.
ON THE TV, THE "PEOPLES" LOGO COMES ON. LOIS LOOKS AT HAL
SUSPICIOUSLY AND SITS DOWN WITH THE OTHERS. LIZ BAGGINS
APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
LIZ BAGGINS
Tonight, we were supposed to present a
story about one young boy's selfless
act of charity, and his subsequent
public humiliation.
MALCOLM AND REESE EXCHANGE A GLANCE.
LIZ BAGGINS (CONT'D)
But instead, we bring you a tale of
the greed and malice that eat away at
the core of our society like a cancer,
a story of innocence bartered for a
few measly dollars.
HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF LOIS APPEARS ON THE TV. SHE IS BEING
DRAGGED AWAY BY STUDIO SECURITY.
LOIS (FILTER)
The money is mine! We should have won
it fair and square! This is a scam!
Let me go, you big gorilla!
LOIS BOLTS UPRIGHT, FURIOUS. SHE STRIDES TOWARDS HER BEDROOM.
HAL GOES AFTER HER.
HAL
Honey? I swear I thought I deleted
that tape!
MALCOLM
(to camera)
I admit it, I sold my parents out.
What choice did I have, I had to offer
something in exchange!
MALCOLM GETS UP AND HEADS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT (CONT.)
MALCOLM
We're all supposed to get our fifteen
minutes of fame, only no one said it
would be so traumatic. Television is a
lot like the teacher in class. You
just sit and listen quietly, because
if it calls on you you're screwed.
MALCOLM ENTERS HIS BEDROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
THE END