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What’s With Andy?
DON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW
ACT 1
FADE IN:
1.EXT. ANDY’S HOUSE - DAY
The entire town is in the grip of a cold snap. People walk rapidly, completely swaddled in warm clothes. A car glides noiselessly on the icy road.
ANGLE ON a thermometer outside Andy’s bedroom window. The mercury is pooled inside the bulb. The thermometer is SFX:SHIVERING. Inside, a hand wipes a clear spot in the frosted window.
2.INT. ANDY’S HOUSE - DAY
JEN, AL, FREIDA and ANDY are crowded in the window trying to read the thermometer outside.
1. JEN
What does it say?
2. AL
I can’t make it out.
3. ANDY
Minus twenty five? All right!
4. JEN
You would think that’s great, you
little freak.
5. FREIDA
Is that a real temperature? I
didn’t think thermometers could go
that low.
Everyone steps away from the window.
6. JEN
You can’t make us go out in that
weather. It’s parental abuse! There
are laws, you know.
7. AL
Come on now, we just have to dress
warmly. We’ll have so much fun at
the winter carnival you’ll forget
all about the cold, you’ll see.
3.INT. ANDY’S ROOM - DAY
Andy walks into his room.
8. JEN (O.S.)
Mom, tell Dad that I morally object
to frostbite!
9. FREIDA (O.S.)
If I have to go to this stupid
carnival, so do you, young lady!
Andy closes the door and takes long underwear out of his dresser.
10. ANDY
(to the camera) The winter carnival
is an annual tradition in our
family. Every year, Dad drags the
whole family, kicking and
screaming, to slide on a hill and
take sleigh rides until our toes
turn blue. But I like the winter
carnival.
DOODLEVISION: a five year-old Jen is standing in the snow, holding a sled by the rope.
11. FOUR YEAR-OLD ANDY (O.S.)
Hey Jen!
Five year-old Jen gets pelted by a snowball in the face.
12. ANDY (V.O.)
I came up with my own tradition at
the winter carnival.
Eight year-old Jen gets hit in the face by a snowball. CUT TO: ten year-old Jen getting hit in the face by a snowball. CUT TO: twelve year-old Jen getting hit in the face by a snowball.
BACK TO REALITY. Andy slips on the long underwear.
13. ANDY
(to the camera) If there’s a
snowball-in-the-face gag that’s not
funny, I’ve never seen it! It’s a
classic. I think I’ll try a
variation this year.
DOODLEVISION: Andy sneaks up behind Jen, hoisting a giant snowball over his head.
4.EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
The winter carnival has set up shop in the city park, across the road from the paper mill.
Concession stands sell coffee and hot food, colourful banners and pennants hang from pole to pole, a brass band plays in the bandstand (with icicles hanging from their instruments), a horse and sleigh, etc.
Al, Andy, Jen, Freida and Spank enter the park and survey the surroundings. Freida and Jen are huddled together.
14. JEN
I think it actually got colder on
our way here, if that’s possible.
15. AL
Call me crazy, but I don’t think
it’s really winter unless you can
see your breath.
16. FREIDA
I’m sure that’s what Sir John
Franklin and his men said before
they disappeared in the Arctic,
dear.
The winter carnival MASCOT, a giant polar bear, pesters Jen.
17. MASCOT
(slurred speech) So cold. So very,
very cold. Please... help... me...
18. JEN
Go away. I don’t want to play,
okay?
Andy bends over and gathers up an armful of snow. He beats it into a snowball the size of a basketball. He turns around and winds up for the pitch.
19. ANDY
Oh, Jen...?
Andy gets SFX:SPLATTERED in the face by a snowball. Jen shakes the snow off her mittens.
20. JEN
I’ve been expecting it this year,
you creep.
Freida notices a small café serving hot drinks and SFX:MUSIC. She makes a bee line for it.
21. FREIDA
I think I’ll go warm up a bit.
22. JEN
Save me a place!
Jen follows her mother. The sound of a SFX:CHAINSAW attracts Andy’s attention. He turns to see a sculptor working on a block of ice.
23. ANDY
All right, ice sculptures!
24. AL
Don’t forget Andy, you promised
you’d behave this year.
25. ANDY
(to the camera) I think he’s
referring to last year’s
competition.
DOODLEVISION. Judges circulate to look at ice sculptures of castles, swans, mermaids, etc. They arrive in front of Andy. One judge SFX:GASPS in shock. A female judge gasps.
ANGLE ON the ice sculpture from the back. It’s a snowman with a butt crack.
26. ANDY (V.O.)
You’d think they never saw an
anatomically-correct snowman
before.
BACK TO REALITY.
Al, Andy and Spank circulate among the ice sculptures of dogs. A banner announces the theme: “Man’s best Friend”. Some artisans are still working on theirs. While Al talks to the sculptor, Spank sniffs the butt of an ice dog.
27. ANDY
Better than real life, uh Spank?
Spanks’ nose gets frozen to the butt of a dog. He SFX:GROWLS a bit and pulls free.
28. MRS. WEEBLES (O.S.)
Get this smelly mutt away from MY
ice sculpture competition!
Mrs. Weebles steps in and shooes Spank away. She displays a judge’s ribbon and carries a clipboard.
29. ANDY
He’s just trying to make friends.
30. MRS. WEEBLES
Dogs are no longer allowed in
public parks. Not since I helped
pass proposition 86 last year.
31. ANDY
What about THOSE dogs?!
Andy points to all the ice dogs.
32. MRS. WEEBLES
Don’t get smart with me, young man.
They don’t urinate all over the
place. Now leave before I call the
dog catcher.
Andy and Spank walk away.
33. ANDY
Chased out of an exhibit
celebrating man’s best friend. I
hope you have a sense for irony,
Spank.
.
5.INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Andy and Danny are walking along in between classes.
34. DANNY
You mean you left, just like that?
You didn’t even pull a single
prank?
35. ANDY
What was I supposed to say?
Besides, everyone would have known
it was me, from last year.
36. DANNY
(chuckling) Oh yeah, the
anatomically-correct snowman.
Andy seems dispirited.
37. ANDY
I froze, Danny. I couldn’t even
think of a comeback. Do you think
I’ve lost my touch?
38. DANNY
No way. You’ll come up with
something.
They pass a table where Greenplanet representatives hand out pamphlets to a few gathered students. On the wall is a photo display advertising their numerous projects.
39. GREENPLANET REPRESENTATIVE
...and five years ago, we forced
the paper mill to clean up a vacant
lot when its underground waste
storage tanks ruptured. Your
donations help us...
40. DANNY
Maybe you’ve been stretching
yourself too thin. Just give
yourself some time...
Danny realizes that he’s walking and talking alone. He turns to see Andy studying the Greenplanet photo display.
41. ANDY
I’ve got it! ! Do you recognize
this lot?
ANGLE ON the photo of the lot with the paper mill across the road. The lot is covered with a yellowish liquid.
42. DANNY
The city park!
43. ANDY
I’ll bet you they never dug out
those old storage tanks when the
city bought the lot.
44. DANNY
I still don’t follow.
45. ANDY
I’ll betcha Mrs. Weebles doesn’t
even know that her ice dogs aren’t
toilet-trained.
6.INT. PAPER MILL (PRODUCTION LINE) - DAY
Al is taking Andy on a guided tour of the paper-producing process.
46. AL
...and this is where the paper
comes out of the dryers and is
submitted to quality control.
(beat) Am I right, Frank? Frank
here has been with the mill for
thirty years. He never complains.
Al slaps FRANK, sitting next to the production line, on the back. Frank SFX:SNORES, unbeknownst to Al.
47. ANDY
That’s really fascinating, Dad. I’m
glad you let me come along today.
48. AL
Why wouldn’t I? I like that you
show interest in my job, it’s the
least I could do. Next, I want to
show you a little film on the
commercial uses of paper. It’s just
a little over three hours long, but
it’s very hip, even after fifty
years.
MR. CROCK, Al’s supervisor, pokes his head into the production room.
49. MR. CROCK
Larkin! Get over here!
50. AL
Ah, er, let’s take a rain check.
Feel free to chat up Frank if you
want. I’ll see you at home tonight.
Al walks out of the production line. Andy turns to Frank who’s still SFX:SNORING and walks away.
7.INT. PAPER MILL (HALLWAY) - DAY
Andy makes sure the coast is clear, and opens a door marked “EXIT ONLY”. Danny is standing outside with a wagon filled with plastic jugs containing a yellow liquid. Several more jugs are sitting on the ground.
51. DANNY
What took you so long? I’m freezing
out here.
52. ANDY
Who knew paper had such a long and
complicated history?
Andy helps Danny pull the heavy wagon inside.
8.INT. PAPER MILL (PUMPING ROOM) - DAY
Andy and Danny peek around the corner to make sure the room is empty. They pull the wagon inside and up to a pipe running up through the floor, through a valve and down into the floor again. Danny unscrews a cap on the pipe.
53. DANNY
Do you know what you’re doing?
54. ANDY
Relax. There’s no way they wasted
money on removing the pipes and the
storage tanks. They just stopped
using them, that’s all.
Andy takes one plastic jug and pours it into the pipe. Danny helps him.
55. ANDY
This is the prank of the century.
The lemonade will make its way
under the road and into the
ruptured underground tanks in the
park. It’ll leech up to the
surface, and tomorrow morning Mrs.
Weebles’ precious park will look
like all those ice dogs took a
toilet break!
Danny pauses in awe.
56. DANNY
Andy, someone had to say this
sooner or later: you’re a genius.
This is the perfect crime!
57. ANDY
It’s a gift. Let’s get the rest of
the jugs.
9.INT. CAR - DAY
Jen and Freida drive in front of the paper mill. Jen spies Andy and Danny coming out of the mill through a side door with empty jugs in their wagon. She frowns.
58. FREIDA
What’s wrong, dear?
59. JEN
I don’t know... yet.
10.EXT. CITY PARK (MAIN ENTRANCE) - NIGHT
STEVE ROWGEE JR. is mounting guard in the park, carrying a flashlight. He walks with his thumbs in his belt, and suddenly spins around, brandishing his flashlight at an imaginary adversary.
60. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
FREEZE! You thought you could sneak
up behind me, didn’t you? Didn’t
you... punk? Well, what have you
got to say for yourself?
61. STEVE ROWGEE SR. (FILTER)
(crackling) What the heck are you
up to?
Steve jr. fumbles his flashlight and drops it to the ground. He takes his radio.
62. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
Nothing, dad. Just patrolling the
park, like we said.
11.EXT. CITY PARK (ICE SCULPTURE AREA) - NIGHT
Steve Rowgee sr. speaks into his radio.
63. STEVE ROWGEE SR.
Well stop goofing off, I can hear
you all the way on the other side.
Keep an eye out for that prankster,
Andy Larkin! I don’t want a repeat
of last year’s nude snowman.
64. STEVE ROWGEE JR. (FILTER)
(crackling) Roger Dodger! I mean,
Roger Wilco!
65. STEVE ROWGEE SR.
It’s roger and out!
Steve Rowgee sr. holsters his radio and continues his patrol past the ice dog sculptures. On the ground, a yellow liquid SFX:BUBBLES up between the paws of the ice dogs and spreads through the snow.
12.EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
It’s early morning. Andy and Danny wait in front of the closed gates, along with a few other visitors. Mrs Weebles arrives.
66. MRS. WEEBLES
Oh, it’s you. I hope you left that
smelly mutt of yours at home this
time. I will not tolerate the
soiling of this park!
67. ANDY
Yes mam! I mean, no mam! No dog
here. Just came with my buddy to
see this wonderful winter carnival
you’ve organized.
Mrs. Weebles eyes Andy suspiciously. She unlocks the gates and the visitors file in.
68. DANNY
Don’t you think you’re laying it on
a little thick? You’ll give
yourself away?
69. ANDY
How could I ever do that? We
weren’t anywhere near this place,
remember?
They walk past the poor hapless mascot, who’s in the same place Andy left him the previous day. He’s frozen in place covered with icicles. His leg is stained yellow.
70. MRS. WEEBLES (O.S.)
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
71. ANDY
I believe that’s for us.
Andy and Danny make their way to the ice sculpture area, where a small crowd has gathered. Mrs. Weebles is wading in a pool of yellow slush.
72. MRS. WEEBLES
What is this? What happened? I
expressly said no dogs! This is a
disaster. Get the police! Get the
mayor! Get the army reserve!
ACT 2
13.EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A slightly larger crowd has gathered. Steve Rowgee jr. and sr. are investigating the site, perplexed. Mrs. Weebles points angrily towards Andy and Danny.
73. MRS. WEEBLES
It’s those... those... BOYS who are
responsible for this! I just know
it! What are you waiting for to
arrest them?
Danny suddenly panics.
74. DANNY
Arrest? Wait a minute, I...
75. STEVE ROWGEE SR.
We can’t arrest him, no one saw him
do anything. In fact, we patrolled
this park all night, and no one
came in.
76. ANDY
Maybe someone forgot to tell the
ice dogs there’s a city ordinance
against peeing on the lawn.
The crowd SFX:TITTERS. Mrs. Weebles comes closer to Andy.
77. MRS WEEBLES
I don’t know how you did it, young
man, but I’ll find out. And when I
do, you’ll regret the day you
pulled this little prank!
Mrs. Weebles stomps furiously away. Steve Rowgee jr. does a little crowd control.
78. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
Okay, move along folks. Nothing to
see here. Please circulate, sir.
He gently pushes the mascot, who tips over and falls into the snow, unnoticed by anyone. Andy and Danny walk out of the park with everyone else.
79. DANNY
Mrs. Weebles looked pretty mad.
Maybe we should confess before we
get in too deep.
80. ANDY
And lose out on the notoriety for
the greatest prank ever? You heard
what they said, they have no proof
we did it. We get the satisfaction
of a job well done, without any of
the reprisals.
81. DANNY
But what if someone saw us do it?
82. ANDY
No one saw us do anything. Trust
me.
14.INT. ANDY’S ROOM - DAY
CLOSE UP on one an empty plastic lemonade jug twirling by its handle around an index finger.
Andy and Danny come in. Jen is leaning against the wall next to the open closet where the other jugs have been stashed. She has a very pleased look on her face.
83. ANDY
Jen? What are you doing here?
84. JEN
You really should be more careful
when covering your tracks, creep.
85. ANDY
I don’t know what you’re talking
about.
She walks up to him and holds up the jug.
86. JEN
I saw you two coming out of the
paper mill with these empty jugs. I
don’t know HOW you did it, Andy
Larkin, but I’ve seen enough of
your pranks to recognize the park
as your handiwork.
87. ANDY
That’s a pretty long stretch.
You’ll never prove it was me.
88. JEN
I don’t have to prove anything. All
Mrs. Weebles has to do is test the
snow for lemonade. Now who do you
think should suggest it to her?
Jen swings the jug pensively.
89. DANNY
I told you we should have thrown
those jugs away! But no, you had to
save them for recycling day!
Jen heads towards the door with the jug.
90. ANDY
Go ahead, tell. I don’t care.
Andy shrugs and lies on his bed. He begins to read a comic book. Jen and Danny both look perplexed.
91. JEN
I’ll tell her, you know. I’m not
bluffing.
Andy’s face remains hidden behind the comic book.
92. ANDY
You gotta do what you gotta do. I
still get credit for committing the
perfect prank, though.
93. JEN
What are you talking about?
Jen comes back into the room. Andy sits up.
94. ANDY
If you tell Mrs. Weebles, you’re
admitting that no one could figure
it out by themselves. My reputation
as master prankster is intact.
Andy returns to his reading. Jen becomes flustered.
95. JEN
Your prank isn’t so clever. I’ll
bet you $50 that someone can figure
it out.
96. ANDY
Why not make it $100? I could use
the extra cash.
97. JEN
$100, you’re on. By the end of the
week, you’ll be busted.
Jen storms out of the room.
98. DANNY
A hundred dollars... I don’t think
I can cover my half, Andy.
99. ANDY
Don’t worry. She said she won’t
tell on us. We’re covered. What is
she going to do?
15.INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
Andy and Danny Are eating in the cafeteria. The intercom SFX:SCREECHES to life.
100. JEN (FILTER)
This button here? Oh... ahem.
Attention all students!
Andy SFX:SPITS out his milk.
101. ANDY
Jen?
102. JEN (FILTER)
You’ve all heard about the incident
in the park yesterday, now referred
to as the “pee-wee pool”.
Some students SFX:SNICKER.
103. JEN (FILTER)
I think we all know who is
responsible for that particular
prank is, and I’m here to tell you
today...
104. DANNY
She promised she wouldn’t tell!
105. JEN (FILTER)
...that I’m offering a $100 reward
to the first person who can
replicate the prank and expose the
author for the little creep that he
is. That’s all. (beat) Was that
okay?
106. MR. DEROSA (FILTER)
That’s fine. Anything I can do to
see that little hellion get what’s
coming to him.
The intercom shuts off with a SFX:CLICK. A commotion goes through the cafeteria, with students running out. PETER LIK and ANDREW LEECH come up to Andy.
107. PETER LIK
You’re busted, dude.
108. ANDREW LEECH
Yeah. We’re gonna win that $100,
and then we’re still going to take
your lunch money for a month. Three
bucks a day for thirty days,
that’s...
Andrew Leech thinks hard. Peter Lik punches him in the arm.
109. PETER LIK
Hey man, why are you doing
multiplications on my time? That’s
homework stuff.
They walk away.
110. ANDREW LEECH
How else can I figure it out? I
only have five fingers on each
hand. That’s two times five...
Peter punches him again.
111. PETER LIK
Stop that!
112. DANNY
I gotta hand it to your sister,
she’s smart. If someone figures out
the prank, we get caught and pay
out a hundred bucks. We end up
financing the reward against
ourselves!
113. ANDY
Don’t cash in your savings bonds
yet.
16.EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
Peter Lik is up on a ladder leaning against the park fence while Andrew Leech holds it stable. A small group of onlookers watch. Among them are Jen, Steve Rowgee jr. and sr., Mrs. Weebles and, of course, Andy and Danny.
114. PETER LIK
The way I see it, this is how the
“alleged” prankster did it. He just
went up the ladder, and while
officers Ren and Stimpy were turned
away...
115. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
Hey!
116. PETER LIK
...he did the deed.
Peter takes a doll out of his jacket (SFX:MAMA). He lowers its diaper and squeezes it. The doll pees water into the air. The wind picks up and throws it back into Andrew’s face.
117. ANDREW LEECH
Oh, yuck!
Andrew lets go of the ladder to wipe his face.
118. PETER LIK
The ladder, you idiot!
The ladder teeters and Peter Lik SFX:CRASHES on top of Andrew Leech. Jen shakes her head. Andy turns to Danny.
119. ANDY
See? Nothing to worry about.
17.EXT. CITY PARK - CONT.
The same people as before are present. JERVIS is preparing a WWI radio-controlled plane.
120. JERVIS
Contrary to some others, I think
the prank requires some stealth and
finesse. I believe the culprit
resorted to advanced methods.
He attaches a water balloon to the plane.
121. JERVIS
I think the attack came at night,
like the Jagdstaffel during the
first great war, and the bombing
was accurate and definitive.
Jervis starts the plane, which SFX:PUTTERS and SFX:BUZZES like an angry mosquito. People cover their ears.
The small plane takes off and zigzags in the air as Jervis works the control. Steve Rowgee jr. turns to his father.
122. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
(shouting) I think we would have
heard something like that!
The plane turns back and storms the people, who duck. The plane turns around and storms the crowd again. Jervis works the control frantically.
123. JERVIS
Why won’t this thing behave!
The radio-controlled plane (SFX:BUZZ) dives into the café (SFX:BUZZING ECHO) and exits on the other side, does a barrel roll, clips the ear off an ice dog, and crashes into a snow bank. The water balloon SFX:SLOSHES about, intact.
Andy leans towards Danny.
124. ANDY
Andy two, Jen zero.
18.EXT. CITY PARK - CONT.
Still the same crowd. MARTIN BONWICK is setting up a junior chemist set. He’s boiling a yellow liquid in a beaker over a Bunsen burner.
125. MARTIN
I think people have been
approaching this from the wrong
direction. We have to simplify and
let nature do all the work,
efficiently and noiselessly.
The liquid begins to SFX:BOIL furiously. Martin takes a block of dry ice (with gloves on) out of a Styrofoam cooler. He drops it in the beaker.
126. MARTIN
By boiling the liquid over a hot
flame, and adding a little dry ice,
we create a cloud of vapour.
A cloud forms and lifts up in the air. It floats over the fence.
127. MARTIN
With a clement wind, the vapour
cloud floats right into the park,
unnoticed. As we all know, when
vapour cools, it forms condensation
- in other words, rain.
The cloud floats over the ice sculptures. It quivers.
128. ANDY
Wait a minute, that cloud is hot,
isn’t it? What happens when a warm
front and a cold front meet?
129. MARTIN
Why, you get a tornado.
The cloud begins to spin and forms a funnel. The small tornado picks up an ice dog, carries it away and drops it through the roof of a concession booth. Jen covers her eyes in despair. Andy turns to Danny.
130. ANDY
So, what are you going to do with
your half of the bet money we’re
going to win?
19.INT. JEN’S ROOM - DAY
Jen is listening to some CD’s with her headset. Andy comes in and begins to examine her things on desks, shelves, etc. Jen takes off her headphones.
131. JEN
Excuse me, what do you think you’re
doing?
Andy replies without stopping his inventory.
132. ANDY
I’m just doing an inventory of your
personal possessions. Seeing how
you don’t have a hundred dollars to
pay off your bet, I was going to
take the equivalent in valuables.
Andy holds up a trophy. Jen gets up and snatches it out of his hands.
133. JEN
There’s still a day left. I could
still win.
134. ANDY
Right, and how would you manage
that? We’ve gone through twenty
people. Not a single one managed to
prove how I ALLEGEDLY pulled off
the prank.
135. JEN
I haven’t said my last word.
Jen returns to her bed.
136. ANDY
Don’t you dare! You promised you
wouldn’t tell on me. You lose
automatically if you do.
137. JEN
Who said anything about telling? As
long as I don’t actually speak, I’m
true to my word. I still have that
jug, remember?
Andy’s expression changes to panic.
20.EXT. ANDY’S HOUSE - DAY
Andy and Danny are hiding behind a tree outside. Jen comes out with a paper bag and walks away.
138. ANDY
I knew it! She’s probably on her
way to sell us out. That little
cheat, I ought to make her pay me
$200 for that!
139. DANNY
How about we let her keep her money
and no one tells on anyone?
Andy follows Jen. Danny hesitates, then goes after him.
21.EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
Jen enters the park, still carrying her brown paper bag. She walks up to Mrs. Weebles and Steve Rowgee jr. who overlook workmen shovelling yellow slush into containers. She talks to them and shows them the paper bag. Andy and Danny peer from around the corner.
140. DANNY
She’s going to show them the empty
jug! They’ll know how we pulled the
prank!
141. ANDY
Don’t worry, I’ll take the fall.
She can’t win the bet if I confess
first!
Andy runs up to, Mrs. Weebles and Steve Rowgee jr., interrupting them.
142. ANDY
(rapid-fire) I did it! I ran
lemonade through the old overflow
pipes in the paper mill and they
flowed into the underground storage
tanks which ruptured years ago but
were never taken out of the ground,
so the lemonade leeched up
overnight and made it look like the
ice dogs took a leak in your
precious park.
Everyone stares at Andy speechlessly.
143. ANDY
Pretty clever, uh? Oh, and Jen,
since I just confessed, they did
not technically solve the mystery,
so you owe me $100.
144. JEN
That’s fine, but I was just here to
offer Officer Rowgee some coffee
and homemade donuts.
Jen takes a thermos and a donut out of the brown paper bag. Andy is astonished.
145. ANDY
You mean... you weren’t going to
show them the empty jug?
146. JEN
I said I wouldn’t, didn’t I? I knew
you were going to crack.
147. MRS. WEEBLES
Andy Larkin! I was sure all along
it was you!
Steve Rowgee jr. puts his hand on Andy’s shoulder.
148. STEVE ROWGEE JR.
So, contaminating the grounds of
city property, uh? I hope you like
community service, young man.
Andy’s face drops.
149. JEN
The look on your face right now is
priceless. And it only cost me
$100!
22.INT. ANDY’S HOUSE – DAY
Andy comes in wearing city overalls, exhausted and filthy. He crashes on the couch, face down. Jen comes into the living room.
150. JEN
Oh look, it’s the master prankster
who tattletaled on himself. How’s
digging in the mud agreeing with
you?
151. ANDY
(muffled) Four more days until the
soil is cleaned and the tank is
removed. I don’t think I can last
that long.
152. JEN
Shoulda thought of that earlier.
Al comes in trough the front door.
153. AL
Honey, I’m home.
Freida comes in from the kitchen.
154. FREIDA
So early? Did you get the rest of
the day off?
155. AL
Yes I did. And tomorrow, and the
next day, and so on indefinitely. I
got fired.
Andy sits up.
156. FREIDA
They fired you?
157. JAN
I hope you’re happy, creep.
158. AL
Now, let’s not make a big deal of
this. I’m sure it’s all for the
better. You know what they say:
close a door, open a window!
Andy lets his head drop back into the cushion.
159. ANDY
The whole family is destitute, and
it’s all my fault.
160. AL
Come on, it’s not that bad. Hey,
you know what would be really good
for dinner tonight? Fried baloney
sandwiches. What do you say, kids?
Al rubs his hands together in preparation for the feast.
ACT 3
23.EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
A construction crew of large, burly men is digging up the site. The ice dogs have been reduced to half-melted blobs. A backhoe is scooping up the mud. The top of the storage tank is uncovered, its lid twisted (hence the source of the leak).
Andy, dwarfed by the large men, is also working, dressed with an orange vest four sizes too large. He stops to wipe his brow. He looks at the lid and tries to peer in through the gap.
161. MR. CROCK (O.S.)
Hey kid, get away from there!
Andy turns to see Mr. Crock climbing down from a pick-up truck bearing the paper mill logo. He covers his mouth and nose with a handkerchief.
162. MR. CROCK
You wanna get sick so you can get
out of work, is that it?
Mister Crock bolts the lid shut with a monkey wrench.
163. ANDY
Sick? Mister, that’s just lemonade
in there.
Mr. Crock jabs Andy with his index finger.
164. MR. CROCK
Yeah, and don’t you tell anyone
otherwise.
He pockets his handkerchief and gets back in his truck, leaving Andy to ponder what just happened. Danny comes to visit, carrying a brown paper bag.
165. DANNY
Andy! Want company for lunch?
166. ANDY
Thanks, but it isn’t for another
five...
A SFX:BELL rings. Andy turns around. The backhoe is still SFX:IDLING, scoop in mid-air with mud SFX:PLOPPING out of it. The men’s shovels are still balanced in the mud and fall over. The men are already leaning against the equipment, eating.
167. ANDY
Okay, lunch, you got it.
He and Danny sit on a bench after dusting off the snow.
168. DANNY
So, how’s the shovelling coming
along?
169. ANDY
My prank has completely backfired.
Instead of being acclaimed as a
genius, everyone is mad at me.
170. DANNY
Jen’s not mad, if it’ll make you
feel any better. She keeps laughing
whenever anyone mentions you.
171. ANDY
Well, only two more days of this,
then the cleanup crews take over.
On the upside, I’m getting a lot of
fresh air. That’s gotta be good for
me, right?
24.INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY
Danny is eating lunch with Andy, who seems to be snoozing. Danny is going over his homework.
172. DANNY
And what did you get for question
thirteen?
173. ANDY
(mumbling) Nine...
174. DANNY
Wow, really? I was way off. Okay,
how about question twenty?
175. ANDY
(mumbling) Nine... let me sleep
until nine, mom.
Danny lifts one Andy’s eyelids.
176. DANNY
Hey, wake up! Did you even do your
homework?
Andy comes fully awake.
177. ANDY
Who has time for homework? Between
school and the community service at
the park, I haven’t got any time
left to myself.
Andy slouches.
178. DANNY
You’re taking this pretty hard. You
need to get right back on the
horse.
179. ANDY
Oh no, not me, not ever again. I’m
swearing off pranks for good. I’ve
done too much damage.
Danny is astounded.
180. DANNY
Shut up! You’re talking trash. You
can’t give up, you’re the king of
pranks! It’s your gift, what else
are you going to do in life?
181. ANDY
I dunno, I’m getting pretty good
with a shovel. Maybe I can join the
peace corps and dig ditches in the
third world. At least that way I
won’t get my dad fired.
182. DANNY
What is your dad doing now, anyway?
Andy thinks.
183. ANDY
Let’s see, Monday he sold magazine
subscriptions, yesterday he
collected empty cans for recycling,
and today...
184. AL
Hello kids!
Al is dressed in a Greenearth t-shirt and distributing pamphlets.
185. ANDY
Dad?
186. AL
How do you like my t-shirt? My new
boss says that after a couple of
years, I can move up to minimum
wage. He’s about your age, Andy.
Andy lets his head drop to the table.
187. AL
Anyway, gotta get back to handing
out flyers. Did you know that
belugas eat a thousand acres of
rain forest every day? Someone
ought to do something!
Al steps away.
188. DANNY
He’s not very good at this, is he?
189. ANDY
He’s not very good at anything,
except his old job at the paper
mill.
25.INT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
Freida and Andy are doing the groceries. SFX:MUSAK pipes in over the speakers. Andy is pushing the cart. Freida picks a can from the shelf and puts it back. Andy takes the can.
190. ANDY
Creamed corn? We can’t even afford
creamed corn?
191. FREIDA
Sure we can. As long as we get the
dented cans that are marked down.
Freida takes a can and SFX:BANGS it against a shelf to dent it. She drops it into the cart.
192. FREIDA
There.
Andy takes a fifty-dollar bill out of his pocket and examines it: his winnings.
193. ANDY
(to camera) I know I should have
given this money to her before, but
she won’t even take it.
DOODLEVISION: Al, Freida and Jen, dressed in rags, are begging in the street in a very Dickensian fashion.
194. ANDY (V.O.)
I can’t keep this money now! It’s
blood money!
Andy passes by on a fancy carriage, wearing a top hat. He SFX:SPLASHES his family without even looking at them.
BACK TO REALITY.
Andy slips the bill into his mother’s purse.
26.INT. ANDY’S BEDROOM – DAY
The alarm clock shows six o’clock. It SFX:RINGS. Andy extends his hand from underneath the covers and turns it off. He sits on the edge of the bed, bleary-eyed and dishevelled.
27.INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Freida comes out of the bathroom. Andy goes in.
195. FREIDA
Oh by the way Andy, new money-
saving measure. We only get two
minutes of hot water per shower
each. Jan’s in charge of keeping
track.
28.INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Andy is in the shower, surrounded by steam. Suddenly, the steam disappears. Andy’s eyes bulge out and he retreats to the corner.
196. ANDY
Cold! That’s cold! Ooh! Aah! Ouch!
29.INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Andy comes out of the bathroom in a bathrobe. His skin is bluish and he’s shivering. Jan is leaning against the wall, holding a monkey wrench. She smirks.
197. JAN
Sorry, your two minutes were up.
Rules are rules.
198. ANDY
(to the camera) These are supposed
to be my golden years. I’m too
fragile for the cold harsh world!
30.INT. DINING ROOM – DAY
Andy is eating breakfast, still bleary-eyed. Al is also eating breakfast, dressed in a fried chicken joint uniform.
199. AL
So, last day digging in the mud,
uh?
200. ANDY
Yep, tomorrow the other crew takes
over to lift the tank out of the
ground. You?
201. AL
My boss and fellow employees keep
calling me “mister”, and I’m only
the guy with the mop!
202. ANDY
I’m sorry to hear that.
203. AL
Bah, things will get better soon. I
can feel it.
31.EXT. CITY PARK – EVENING
The workers and backhoe are digging in the mud. The tank is almost completely free now. Andy notices Mr. Crock, parked outside the park with a tanker truck, observing them. The quitting bell SFX:RINGS. A LARGE WORKER slaps him on the back affably.
204. LARGE WORKER
You done good kid, even though you
made us all dig a hole in the
frozen ground in the middle of
winter. This tank is someone else’s
problem now. Go home.
The workers go home. Andy examines the tank. He SFX:TAPS the metallic tank, which sounds like it’s full.
205. ANDY
Someone else’s problem...
Andy looks once again at Mr. Crock parked on the street. A SFX:HORN attracts his attention. Al, in his fried chicken outfit, is waving at him from the car.
206. AL
Need a lift?
32.INT. CAR - EVENING
Andy climbs in. Silly, goofy SFX:MUSIC is playing on a small portable radio cassette. Al hands him a fried chicken meal.
207. AL
Would you believe customers won’t
touch the three-legged chickens?
Our gain, right?
Al digs in but Andy grimaces.
208. ANDY
Dad, who was it that was in charge
of condemning the storage tank five
years ago?
209. AL
(eating) Oh, let’s see... that’d be
old Mr. Crock. Said he had to use
up our bonuses that year to empty
the tank, or the government would
fine the plant.
210. ANDY
So once it’s empty, ten gallons of
lemonade would barely make a puddle
at the bottom, right?
211. AL
You betcha.
Al’s face lights up.
212. AL
In fact, you’d need about a hundred
thousand gallons of lemonade to
overflow the tank! unless that
is...
213. ANDY
Unless someone got a little behind
on their obligations.
Andy turns to Mr. Crock in his tanker truck.
33.EXT. CITY PARK - NIGHT
A truck, lights out, silently rolls into the park up to the tank. Mr. Crock climbs out of the driver’s side. JERRY, a mill worker, climbs out of the passenger’s side and SFX:SLAMS the door.
214. MR. CROCK
Be quiet, you idiot! You want
everyone to hear us?
They turn to the site of the dig. A low-lying fog covers the ground.
215. JERRY
Creepy.
216. MR. CROCK
More’s the reason to hurry up. Get
to work!
Jerry unwinds a hose from the truck as Mr. Crock walks to the tank. He climbs the ladder leading to the top with a monkey wrench in his hand. Somewhere, something SFX:GROWLS.
217. JERRY
What was that!
218. MR. CROCK
I didn’t hear anything. Move it! We
gotta empty the tank before the
removal crew comes in the morning
Mr. Crock unbolts the lid. Jerry hands him the hose, which he slips inside the tank. Jerry walks to the truck and starts the SFX:PUMP. There is another SFX:GROWL. Jerry stops the pump.
219. JERRY
I know I didn’t imagine it this
time! Something growled.
He takes a flashlight and sweeps the beam over the deformed ice dogs.
220. MR. CROCK
You’re afraid of bad ice sculptures
now?
221. JERRY
I saw this movie once where a
snowman came to life because of
radioactive waste. He made
snowballs from his head and pelted
people at night!
222. MR. CROCK
Oh, for crying out loud. If you
want something done, gotta do it
yourself.
Mr. Crock climbs down from the ladder and walks towards the tanker truck. Another SFX:GROWL, this time longer and louder. Mr. Crock turns towards the sound.
223. JERRY
Th... th... there!
A dark shape rises from among the ice dogs, its eyes aglow. It rises on its hind legs and walks towards the two men. Jerry climbs in the truck and SFX:SCREECHES away, dragging the hose behind him. Mr. Crock is livid.
224. MR. CROCK
(without conviction) This is a
joke, right? You don’t scare me.
Flames shoot out of the dark shape’s extended paws. Mr. Crock breaks down.
225. MR. CROCK
(blubbering) Sweet mercy, please
don’t hurt me! I gambled away the
employee bonuses, I couldn’t afford
to have the tank emptied! No one
had to know, not until that dumb
kid came along! Go get him, he’s
responsible!
The scene is illuminated by car headlights. Al is standing next to the car, concealed behind the bushes. He holds the portable radio cassette.
The dark shape is in fact Andy wearing the costume of the winter carnival mascot and holding two road flares. He removes the head and throws the flares in the snow.
226. ANDY
Got everything dad?
Al SFX:REWINDS the cassette and plays it back. The silly goofy SFX:MUSIC comes on.
227. AL
Oops, too far back.
He SFX:FAST FORWARDS the tape and plays it.
228. MR. CROCK (FILTER)
I gambled away the employee
bonuses, I couldn’t afford to have
the tank emptied!
Mr. Crock throws his hat in the snow.
34.INT. CITY HALL – DAY
The MAYOR has set up a press conference in the main lobby. Andy and Al are standing next to him at the podium. Camera flashes SFX:POP here and there. The mayor speaks into the microphone.
229. MAYOR
We owe a great debt to Andy Larkin
who, through his dedication and
persistence, unveiled a scandal
that threatened our city park and
could have eventually resulted in
disaster.
The crowd SFX:APPLAUDS.
230. MAYOR
Following the firing of Mr. Crock,
the paper mill has offered to
completely remodel the park, under
the supervision of their newly re-
instated employee, Mr. Larkin.
The crowd SFX:APPLAUDS some more. Al steps up to the mike.
231. AL
Thank you. I couldn’t have done it
without my son Andy.
232. MAYOR
Neither could we. Anything we can
do to thank you, Andy?
233. ANDY
Well, now that you mention it...
Andy leans in and whispers into the mayor’s ear.
234. MAYOR
I’m sure that can be arranged!
Andy waves as people SFX:APPLAUD. Photo flashes SFX:POP. FREEZE FRAME on Andy waving to the crowd with Al’s arm around his shoulders, and the mayor next to them. MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
35.EXT. CITY PARK – DAY
The newspaper headlines show the photo with Andy right underneath the headline: “ANDY SAVES TOWN”. Further below, another title reads “Bill 6 repealed - dogs wag tails in joy!”.
Andy is reading the paper. Freida and Al are reading over his shoulder. Jen stands off to the side, vexed.
235. ANDY
Listen to this, they’re calling me
a hero.
236. AL
A real chip off the old block.
237. JEN
Oh please, don’t encourage him, his
head is fat enough as it is.
238. ANDY
You’re only jealous because in the
end, I used my gift for the greater
good.
239. JEN
Your prank blew up in your face and
you got lucky, as usual.
Andy rolls up the paper.
240. ANDY
You call it luck, I call it kismet.
And you still lost the bet. No
refunds.
241. AL
Enough bickering you two. Wanna see
where the paper mill is going to
put in the in-ground swimming pool?
Al points to the spot where the tank used to be, now filled in. A bulldozer sits off to the side. They wander off. Andy has Spank on a leash.
Other visitors to the park are also walking their dogs, now unhampered by bill 86. Mrs. Weebles appears, carrying a broom and dustpan, evidently on pooper scooper duty. She scoops something up and grimaces.
242. MRS. WEEBLES
(muttering) Filthy no good mutts...
FADE OUT: